Version 2.0

Man its been a long time.......

Honestly I keep forgetting I still have this page here at all. A lot has happened and plenty has changed. Its almost a wonder that I'm the same breathing person that started writing before hand. Let's see......I graduated from college......found a new g/f.....joined THE fraternity...(Alpha Phi Alpha if you didn't already figure this out)....and gained a career. All in all that's pretty momentous. Been involved in each for almost two years now at this point and I can definitely say that I've learned, listened, and educated myself in all aspects. Suffice to say though, I still miss the yester-years of high school and beginning college. Find myself now mentoring those younger than me to follow and not follow in some of the same steps I once took. For some its almost like looking in a mirror while with others I see the better aspects of myself in younger, livelier forms. But I, myself, have to continue to grow and transpose myself as well. Hence the title.....2.0.

I find myself in the rabbit hole of paradoxes, hypocrisies, and half-truths that exist in what is dubbed as the "Adult World". Suffice to say, most times I definitely wish I didn't have to take this "red pill" that has led me to responsibilities, duties, chores, and a multitude of conscious decision-making. From my career, to family, to social, and my personal.....all hang by single threads of fate that hang in the balance by each choice (or lack thereof) that I make. At times its suffocating and annoying...however there are moments where I am positioned to good for others and the loved ones in my life. However I often wonder how it is I am to succeed in my own lifestyle and by my own merit. I feel as if one of man's biggest conundrums is the consistent search on finding the "one, true correct answer/choice in life". Such an ideal this thought is that drives one to either greatness or insanity. "How does one, battle the odds and challenge adversity only to find himself in a cyclic and never-ending battle/search for the duration of his tenure?" I find myself pitted against many earthly and worldly desires that without faith I would surely become consumed and die of. I won't make a huge comeback post of this but I will trail off in my thoughts and leave those who care to read the idea that maybe the only thing that challenges adversity is adversity itself. And that one should really think about what it is to succeed and prosper in this challenging, hypocritical, and biased world.

New Year Resolutions and Bad Habits....

Salutations Ladies and Gentlemen,

It has been a while and it is my first post since 2010. Its been a minute since I've had this much on my mind at one time. If you haven't heard or don't know....my mind moves like the wind do....(lol). Anywayz.....resolutions and bad habits. Well my resoultion has been to not procrastinate on my decisions and to act IMMEDIATELY upon them. Becuz I am so scatter-brained at times I'm easily distracted and I'm easily bored, so its quite often for me to not finish what I'm either saying or doing. So in that sense, I've been doing well on maintaining that. I'm actually involved in two life projects that require me to actually act on some things so procrastination has not been my friend this year. But my bad habit is the main motivator of this post.

*Sigh*

So I have a filthy habit of speaking my thoughts and of being stubborn....on purpose. Now I can imagine what you may be thinking......whose stubborn on purpose? Like "where they do that at?" But that is my personality and vice in a quick nutshell. I CAN'T STAND....when ppl claim they know what I'll either say or do. It literally drives me insane and towards the actual definition of anarchy. Like despite whether or not the situation is good for me, beneficial, profitable, or anything that's best for me.....I will have the tendency to be disobedient and go against the grain. I honestly have no idea where within me did it come from but I just can't help it. A situation in particular I guess is that a friend of mine will claim that I like something.....it could be an activity, food, or a person. And despite the fact if the information is true or not...the moment my friend speaks it into existence in a manner seeming smug as if they know that their opinion of me is soooo accurate that its inconceivable for them to be wrong...I will (almost w/o hesitation) act totally opposite. Its almost reflexive. The heart of the matter is...I don't like for ppl to know me well enough to predict me and if they can...then I don't want to know that they can. It annoys me beyond expression. I don't care how long we've been friends....I don't care if we've had a relationship...the only exception can be if we're kin. And sometimes I'm touchy about that. It gets even worse when it comes out of the mouth of a woman. (don't ask me why) Something about a woman other than my mother knowing what's going inside my head irks me at this stage in my life. I would just rather that you admit that you educatively guessed and got lucky. I have yet to discern a remedy to my "bad habit" and I feel like I need to discover one quick, before I inadvertantly cause myself extra grief for no reason. I wish ppl would just let me be so I wouldn't have to indirectly hurt anyone's feelings.

AoS

Left-Fielders

What's good ppl.....

Back at it again and this time, I have a question for the community.... Why is that as semi-intelligent to intelligent human beings we find ourselves engaged in relationships/relations with one another and proceed to mess up our situation? In simpler terms, why must ppl ALWAYS mess up a good thing?! Like it almost never fails with the circle of ppl I'm around, not too mention my generation as well. For example, take one of my friends who is a gifted and educated black male. He is extremely talented, women take to him pretty well, and he is a graduate from one of the top engineering schools in our nation. Now he finds himself in a relationship with an equally talented and beautiful black woman. Even gets as far as to date her.....but do you think he sealed the deal on this nice lil package?! Let's not leave out that his family adores her, she has a well paying job and a degree. NO, he doesn't. He essentially breaks her heart, changes her into a jaded, bitter female for some other negro to deal with. Thanks buddy, your fellow black men thank you across the world. Next I run into a situation where this young black woman is in a committed relationship with a faithful black male and yet again ruins her situation because she is unable to see past her own selfishness and even goes as far as to cheat on him. SMH. My most current witness to such idiotic events is to see a friend of mine have the possiblity to date this considerate and wonderful young woman, but instead decides to re-live old flames with his ex who originally left him and betrayed his feelings. Again I ask.....why would we do this to each other? Why would we do this to ourselves? Why can't we just be happy with what we've obtained or recognize good things that are in front of us? For situations such as this I have coined the term "left-fielders" to describe such individuals. When you playin yourself so far to the left that you can't get right.....you have become a left-fielder. Just ultimately you can't get yourself right. Its a sad life and disappointing story. Seen wayyyy too many ppl succumb to this disease and in my generation it is gradually spreading at a rapid rate. Also ppl fail to realize that this perpetuates the "ho" mentality within men AND women. Both which are unnecessary and unacceptable. The world needs not any more hoes.

-AoS

the Paradox that is Her

Yo

Have you ever put your heart and soul into studying something in hopes of trying to understand it in its entirety? Like not even 100% but just like a solid 90? To the point you can be comfortable and confident in the decisions and actions you commit when concerning the subject? Well this complexity, this issue, this subject, this.......paradox that I struggle to comprehend is that of relationships with the opposite sex. She goes by many names: chick, female, woman, girl, ho, breezy, prospect, b*tch(this is only used on SEVERE occassions), and the list continues. Surprisingly in my generation the terms used most often are probably those before us would dare not casually speak. But this is my generation, as much as I would like to live in another I am stuck with what God gives me. Can only trust that he had a reason and pray I discover it one day. But back to the subject......women. *sighs* Women can be the wierdest of God's creations to me. Its exciting and aggravating to know that my experience with each one I come across is COMPLETELY different each time, regardless of the countless similarities they may share. This one in particular.............Her. I've never came across any woman, female, whateva that perplexed me like this. Let me keep it real, despite all of my situations I've ever been in with females, y'know all the "crash n burns".......I've never came across an individual that threw me off my game this much. Everytime I think I have her figured out, she does something totally opposite of the impression she gives me. Now I've been studying people and their behaviors since I was little. And for women in this aspect such as relationships and all their lesser interactions I've been formulating my thoughts since like 8th or 9th grade. (currently I'm a college graduate so you're talking 9yrs of research) And see, this has made me realize something that I would kill to share with the female population. I rarely meet any other male figures that spend THIS much time studying, focusing, and directing their efforts and energy to figure and understand that which is YOU! So when I say I'm trying to understand you, your feelings, your likes/dislikes......maybe you shouldn't take that for granted and dismiss it like its normal or something that is required for individuals to do. Damn. Now in all fairness I'm not going to act so cavalier and give the impression that I go this hard on it solely for other's intentions alone. Yes, I've already admitted that its a hobby of mine and something I already innately do, but still....if I didn't want to care about you then I wouldn't. Now......back to Her.

I felt a little bad recently because she kinda caught me in a conversation we had and nearly destroyed what little self-confidence/swag I had left. She helped me realize that I was superimposing my thoughts and beliefs of my experience of past women on her instead of accepting what I was seeing for face value. (She couldn't have been more correct) When you're so used to seeing something and all its different forms its almost hard for you to believe that it comes in other shapes, sizes, colors, variations, etc. So suffice to say, it was a little tough for me to re-group myself, especially since I was physically near her w/o looking too out of sorts. So with no experience on what to do, did the only thing I could think of. Went back to the basics.....which revolved around what were my natural, first intentions and feelings towards this individual. I'm not even sure if that mattered to her at all or carried me through my situation but time will tell, I guess. So much remains to be seen and discovered but again I am left wondering just how much different can women be besides the "basics" (can't even go into the depth of what this means, maybe another blog) But yea, confusion is not something I'm fond of. It leads to self doubt, desperation, panic, and carelessness. All which I do not have patience or time for.

One.

AoS

the Alpha

Welcome.

So being that this is my first blog on this and considering I haven't blogged in a while I'm making this a two-part post. The first part will be considered as a small background/introduction and the next will be an up-to-date synopsis of the complexity I exist in. I will try to keep it as PG as possible but my thoughts are my own, so there's no telling what I'll post on here. First and foremost, I am probably one of THE most caring individuals out there. I spend my days constantly thinking of others and trying to save those who cannot/refuse to save themselves and "righting" wrongs as if I was some kind of hero. (Capt. Save-A-Hoe, j/k) That being said, these thoughts posted on here should be given the thought and consideration that something occurred which inflicted itself upon me so greatly that I deemed it necessary to manifest it on this site. A friend of mine begged me to return to my blogging days. He expressed that the situations that happen around me should not be mine alone to bear or be witness to. Secretly I agreed, but who finds complete comfort opening their life to others. So with all that has been addressed, I welcome all but more importantly......I welcome myself to the physical reflection of my thoughts, actions, feelings, and anything else that I may exist of. This...................is the Alpha.