the Paradox that is Her

Yo

Have you ever put your heart and soul into studying something in hopes of trying to understand it in its entirety? Like not even 100% but just like a solid 90? To the point you can be comfortable and confident in the decisions and actions you commit when concerning the subject? Well this complexity, this issue, this subject, this.......paradox that I struggle to comprehend is that of relationships with the opposite sex. She goes by many names: chick, female, woman, girl, ho, breezy, prospect, b*tch(this is only used on SEVERE occassions), and the list continues. Surprisingly in my generation the terms used most often are probably those before us would dare not casually speak. But this is my generation, as much as I would like to live in another I am stuck with what God gives me. Can only trust that he had a reason and pray I discover it one day. But back to the subject......women. *sighs* Women can be the wierdest of God's creations to me. Its exciting and aggravating to know that my experience with each one I come across is COMPLETELY different each time, regardless of the countless similarities they may share. This one in particular.............Her. I've never came across any woman, female, whateva that perplexed me like this. Let me keep it real, despite all of my situations I've ever been in with females, y'know all the "crash n burns".......I've never came across an individual that threw me off my game this much. Everytime I think I have her figured out, she does something totally opposite of the impression she gives me. Now I've been studying people and their behaviors since I was little. And for women in this aspect such as relationships and all their lesser interactions I've been formulating my thoughts since like 8th or 9th grade. (currently I'm a college graduate so you're talking 9yrs of research) And see, this has made me realize something that I would kill to share with the female population. I rarely meet any other male figures that spend THIS much time studying, focusing, and directing their efforts and energy to figure and understand that which is YOU! So when I say I'm trying to understand you, your feelings, your likes/dislikes......maybe you shouldn't take that for granted and dismiss it like its normal or something that is required for individuals to do. Damn. Now in all fairness I'm not going to act so cavalier and give the impression that I go this hard on it solely for other's intentions alone. Yes, I've already admitted that its a hobby of mine and something I already innately do, but still....if I didn't want to care about you then I wouldn't. Now......back to Her.

I felt a little bad recently because she kinda caught me in a conversation we had and nearly destroyed what little self-confidence/swag I had left. She helped me realize that I was superimposing my thoughts and beliefs of my experience of past women on her instead of accepting what I was seeing for face value. (She couldn't have been more correct) When you're so used to seeing something and all its different forms its almost hard for you to believe that it comes in other shapes, sizes, colors, variations, etc. So suffice to say, it was a little tough for me to re-group myself, especially since I was physically near her w/o looking too out of sorts. So with no experience on what to do, did the only thing I could think of. Went back to the basics.....which revolved around what were my natural, first intentions and feelings towards this individual. I'm not even sure if that mattered to her at all or carried me through my situation but time will tell, I guess. So much remains to be seen and discovered but again I am left wondering just how much different can women be besides the "basics" (can't even go into the depth of what this means, maybe another blog) But yea, confusion is not something I'm fond of. It leads to self doubt, desperation, panic, and carelessness. All which I do not have patience or time for.

One.

AoS

the Alpha

Welcome.

So being that this is my first blog on this and considering I haven't blogged in a while I'm making this a two-part post. The first part will be considered as a small background/introduction and the next will be an up-to-date synopsis of the complexity I exist in. I will try to keep it as PG as possible but my thoughts are my own, so there's no telling what I'll post on here. First and foremost, I am probably one of THE most caring individuals out there. I spend my days constantly thinking of others and trying to save those who cannot/refuse to save themselves and "righting" wrongs as if I was some kind of hero. (Capt. Save-A-Hoe, j/k) That being said, these thoughts posted on here should be given the thought and consideration that something occurred which inflicted itself upon me so greatly that I deemed it necessary to manifest it on this site. A friend of mine begged me to return to my blogging days. He expressed that the situations that happen around me should not be mine alone to bear or be witness to. Secretly I agreed, but who finds complete comfort opening their life to others. So with all that has been addressed, I welcome all but more importantly......I welcome myself to the physical reflection of my thoughts, actions, feelings, and anything else that I may exist of. This...................is the Alpha.